I have yet again talked myself into believing I have cancer and my MOTHER, my own mother suggested going to the doctor. The same lady who wanted me to “walk off” a motorcycle accident, 2nd degree sliding burn, and a few more medical-dependent situations. So OF COURSE I’m going to be a bit traumatized. I’ve sent myself to my room in order to have a pitty party, because even if I do have cancer there is NO way they would be able to pay the medical bills. NO possible way. Cancer is expensive and we are in a recession sooooo I’ll just cry myself to sleep.

When my buzz beats me to bed. Aint this some shit.

Is that it’s for me. It’s to better MYself. It may turn out completely horrible. I may want to come home the first day. Who cares? I promise I’m not going to give up without a fight. Trying to talk me out of something that is going to be good for me is as absurd as offering to move in with me right as I am about to leave!!Where were you when I was fighting with my parents everyday? Pathetic! I’m happy with the move and I all I could ask for is your support. But I will definitely not be expecting it nor will I be upset in the event you don’t.

Is that it’s for me. It’s to better MYself. It may turn out completely horrible. I may want to come home the first day. Who cares? I promise I’m not going to give up without a fight. Trying to talk me out of something that is going to be good for me is as absurd as offering to move in with me right as I am about to leave? Where were you when I was fighting with my parents everyday? Pathetic! I’m happy with the move and I all I could ask for us your support. But I will definitely not be expecting it.

That after every lunge, yell, and hit you feel fucked up and shitty. I hope you contemplate why you are where you are in your life. I hope you fight back tears in front of your friends when they ask you how your relationship is with your family because you know it’s like the fourth level of Hell. I hope you cry at night when you reflect on the past. I hope you sob when you think about what it would be like if your temper wasn’t so short. I hope you pray at night and beg for things to get better. I hope, Mom and Dad, that you would do these things, but I know I’m the only one. 

When you see that one guy you fell hard for in high school and you’re still jealous when he dances with other girls at a wedding bahahah. I’m troubled.

is that of which an institution? im kinda down with that, at this point. ha

i wish i could say this my “its-valentines day-and-im-alone-yet-another-year” rant but, quite bluntly ‘tis not. treading water kind of day. i fuck up everything up, because i hold myself back. whyyy? why have i never learned appropriate coping methods? seriously, and honestly what are appropriate coping methods? whatever. 

i wish i could find a suitable roommate, so i could try to get out. this is sort of talk for a person that could actually make at least a 6 month commitment. thats rubbish thoughts for a girl like me.

i think the fact everyone was paired off today, impacted me a tad more than i bargained for? bahhaha im just a bitter 20 year old broad. im okay with this today. hopefully there will be some enticing covers in the self help section tomorrow during my barnes and noble browsing. fingers crisscrossed.  no breath held. 

a tiny note on the passing of whitney houston: i suspect foul play no matter what the media says. fuck the media and their liberal biases! bahha just politically incorrect for my rebel mood. no need for hate. theres no chance for a huge comeback from whitney :( wahhh always a reason.  

btw this house/”dub”/dance/electronica/bullshit needs to go. gah it sucks. it heightens my want to harm objects. that is all folks.

 summation. 

ahahahah. and i was dropped from my online classes because i have no money :) the perfect ending to a gloriously dreadful day. beat me down one more time. tomorrow i resume my life with the intention of having a better day. that is all. 

pretty much everything in my less than desirable life. More specifically: My mom waking me up at 6 in the morning POUNDING on my door telling me to clean my room knowing I will have to fucking get up and go to work an hour and a half later, or how I go to my grandma for advice and leave the “heart-to-heart” feeling like the loser that i have been so afraid of becoming. i shouldnt be complaining, ive done all of this to myself, and im not even sorry. how am i supposed to regret my actions? how am i supposed to make progress when i justified everything by blaming my parents? Im calling the kettle black, when i tell my mom shes immature, but show a bit of fucking compassion for once. calling me a dropout and worthless isnt as healthy for the self-esteem for a girl you raised in constant stress and anxiety since the day she was old enough to realize mommy and daddy dont get along. i have no one to talk to about what it is like growing up in a fucking home where every FUCKING day you wake up in fear. in fear that mom and dad find their differences irreconcilable, that mom will have a shorter temper than usual and yell at you for nail polish chipping, that your dad will lunge at you, or mom for that matter. and my sister. shes so resilient but my mother has ruined her. i feel for her, more than myself. she cant even have a relationship with me because she is too guarded. fucking pathetic excuses of parents. i know people have it worse than i do, but im not people. im the one that deals with this shit, and it loathsome. everyday is one that i worry or stress and there isnt a damn thing i can do except work to save what little money i make. i am so disconsolate, i cant even stand myself.  i went to school and thats why i have no money to go anywhere but home. a home that is filled with immaturity and alcohol. it pains me to see that my father hates his life so much that he must dilute it to endure everyday life, (i dont blame him, i just have yet to reach that point.) his situation and my mothers past has proven that its difficult to break the cycle in which we are brought into. i have no one to turn to, except the God that has shown me his will and coincidences are far too close to being synonymous. whatever. hopefully this is just an identity crisis, and i will soon step into some badass identity. or maybe this is just a bad day, of an even worse year. 

I kinda just want to pick up and move to some small hick town. This also happens after I watch Sweet Home Alabama. Anyways, Arizona has always been overrated. I need a deep southern accent.